Fresh Mommy

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Back in the Saddle

Fresh Daddy and I had a slip up in the bedroom recently and through a miscalculation of dates had unprotected sex at a fertile time in my cycle. So when my period was four days late I thought, well, that resolves that whole discussion. That discussion being, are we ready for Fresh Baby Number Two?

We've been having this discussion a lot lately with me close to 37 and Fresh Girl close to 2. The answer was pretty cut and dry for me -- time was ticking away and we should jump on that horse and start galloping toward Number Two. But when my brother and his wife had their second child recently, we watched as they grew more and more exhausted, more and more short-tempered, and more and more exasperated.

"Maybe one is the magic number," Fresh Daddy said as we were driving away from the chaos one day.

"Don't be ridiculous," was my reply and then I demanded that of course we needed to have another child and how could he say such a thing?

In the past few weeks and months he has gone on to make the following additional (and annoying) comments:

"I don't know. Fresh Girl is really good. What if the next one isn't so good?"

"I'm saying this for your sake. I think it's going to be too hard on you."

"Can we really handle two?"

or when I start to lose it a little bit at the end of a long day, "Can you really handle another one?"

and every time we see my brother and his family: "See????"

In some ways, I'm not even ready for Number Two. I know I want another baby, God willing, I absolutely do. But I feel selfish about my time with Fresh Girl; I'm not ready to share my attention with another child (and I think of that poor second child who would never really have my full attention, not the way Fresh Girl has. Maybe it's because I'm a first child that I feel this way.). I don't have a longing for another child. Not right here and now anyway and not the way I longed for Number One. Fresh Girl keeps me busy, and entertained, and satisfies all my needs to mother. Getting pregnant for me the first time wasn't easy (although in hindsight it wasn't too bad; I know a lot of people go through a lot more). But at the time, I wanted a child so badly I ached for it. I felt like my world wouldn't be right until I had one. And then she came along and she was everything I wanted and everything I needed. To paraphrase Jerry Maguire (and I apologize for bringing the image of Tom Cruise into this blog), she completes me.

And I'll be honest, it's not just the longing for a second child that has me not ready. The thought of being up all night again frightens me just a little (I remember sleep deprivation as something akin to madness). And am I ready for a newborn again? Breastfeeding! Bottles! and Burping! Oh my! Spitting up? Crying? My adorable little niece -- so cute, so small -- damn, she cries a lot.

But it has never occurred to me to have just one child. I'm the product of a two child family and I've always wanted at least that (although anything more than three definitely seems like too much for me. There Fresh Daddy might be right.). I dream of Fresh Girl and Number Two as best friends, always there for one another. Sure, my own brother and I had our fair share of fights growing up, but we laugh now at all the memories, the good and the bad. I think not only of the joy I get from having a brother, but also of the joy that I get from his family. I love it that Fresh Girl has cousins that she will grow up with and play with and share memories with when she is older. When the time comes, I want her to have the same for her own children.

So as my period was a day late, and then two days late, and then three, four, and five days late, I started to get used to the idea of having Number Two, unplanned as it may be, and so did Fresh Daddy. It was time, it was a sign. It was meant to be. I thought about how nice it would be that Fresh Girl and Number Two would be close in age, they would make good playmates that way. Fresh Daddy and I talked about how she would be a good older sister and recounted all the times she kissed her baby cousin's toes and her fascination with babies in general.

So I peed on a stick and waited for the lines to appear, thinking, "Here we go." But only one line showed up, the one that says the test is working but you're not pregnant. And I was okay with it. Really. I'm a planner so now I know: it's time to start planning again. I do want another one, one of these days soon. Time's a ticking, and it's almost time to get on that horse and kick. Giddyup.


Blogger Eric said...

No need to be afraid. Really. My wife and I have four kids and we're totally relaxed, non-stressed and carefree. You might as well just go ahead and have 3 or 4 more, all at once even. It's all good. Also, you should be aware that I'm typing this after 3 Gin-and-Tonics.

Thanks for stopping by my blog, by the way. I've definitely noticed that the whole blog-scene is waaay more mommy-centric. I'm not quite sure why that is, but I'm perfectly happy to get mommy-traffic on my blog. However, you should know that I rarely, if ever, blog about my pubic hair.

9:52 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

I think this speaks for so many (ahem) women in so many ways. I can relate to all of it. Sometimes the best thing for us planners is for the universe to force our hand, no planning allowed. Or we (I) overthink everything and we (I) start talking ourselves (myself) out of things.

Good luck with it all. And thanks for the nice comment at my place.

8:17 AM  
Blogger MommyWithAttitude said...

Well, as a mother of 2, you know I'm inclined to agree with Fresh Daddy! Oh, just kidding. Two will be great, I'll be praying it happens soon.

1:31 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:43 PM  
Blogger MrsWndr said...

First time at you blog. And I can tell ya I relate to the last couple of posts I read. I hve a 5 yer old and we just had one of those 'could be' moments. We've only been wanting one but now I'm not so sure. I got used to the idea of having another. I gues sonly time will tell.

2:56 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Awww, Fresh Baby. And Fresh Giddyupping. There's a lot of fresh going on around here.

8:58 PM  

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