Fresh Mommy

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

My Bush Agenda, or, Ode to the Bikini Waxer

I'm going to be perfectly frank here. My pubic hair is out of control.

Sorry. Hope you're not eating.

Yes, it's the middle of summer, and my bikini line is unkempt. How many times have I realized just as I'm pulling my super-elasticized bathing suit up over my thighs that things are not kosher in Beaverland? (More than I care to count.) I seem to always forget to shave my nether regions, despite Fresh Daddy's frequent observation of, "Wow. Bushy." (Well, maybe it's not that frequent; we're tired, people.) I always find myself scrambling with the razor and a little water splashed on for good measure just as I'm running out the door (and, I don't think I have to tell you what comes next. Hello, Rash.) Or worse yet, I think I've covered all my bases (meaning I actually took the time to shave in the shower) only to discover in the bright sunlight that I've missed a few strays (and I've got dark hair -- yikes!). Nothing makes you feel more self-conscious about your body (like I'm not already self-conscious) than pubes peeking out from your bathing suit.

All in all, it's not pretty. I'm in dire need of some personal grooming. The razor is not cutting it. Well, it cuts it but then comes the aforementioned rash and then two days later it's a disaster again. Depilatory? Yeah, not doing a damn thing for me except stinking up the place (can't they do something about that smell?) So that leaves waxing. Bubbling hot wax and a curious toddler do not mix well, so I think it's a job better left to a professional.

If you think about it too much, the concept of having someone spread hot wax on your crotch just to yank it off is a little peculiar. Still, I'm glad there's someone out there to do it and do it right. I've made some tragic mistakes trying to wax my own peach: waxed myself to the carpet, spilled wax everywhere, pulled off some skin in an exceptionally delicate area (really) -- don't try this at home, kids! It's a job for someone skilled in the ancient art of hairus removus. I'm a big fan of the professional bikini wax and the professional bikini waxer (you'd think I'd actually take the time -- time being the operative word here -- to have it done more often).

I will admit to being a little old school about my bikini line though. I don't like to go bald or Brazillian -- I did get a Brazillian once by accident (the pain! the pain! how does anyone do it on a regular basis?) and will admit I went right home and sat in front of the mirror for a while in wonder -- but I don't want it bushy either. Like an army recruit, I like it high and tight. Take it up high on the sides and don't forget my inner inner thighs (or is that my outer labia? I don't know). Wax my butt crack? Fantastic -- just stay away from the eye of the storm, if you know what I mean (do you know that people are actually bleaching that area now? Seriously. But that's a discussion for another day). Take it off! Just leave enough so that I don't have to worry that I look like a 10 year old girl. I'm a mother, after all.

So after sharing all this, I have to admit that it's been about 2 years since my last wax. And now I'm getting ready to go swimming in a friend's pool. And guess what? I forgot to shave this morning. @#$%&*!!!


Blogger MommyWithAttitude said...

I'm cracking up... and yes, you are lucky no one you know knows about this blog.

It's been so long since I've had a bikini wax too, so I started using that electric bikini trimmer thing. It works great with no rash (but you have to do it every two or three days...)

I wax my own armpits, but I can't bring myself to do my cha cha.

7:43 PM  
Blogger chichimama said...

Too funny. I am always doing the same thing! I actually keep a razor in my glove compartment. really. It does wonders if I suddenly notice some stray hairs while at a pool or beach...

And it has been about 2 years since my last wax too. I miss them, they solved so many problems. But the $$$...

8:19 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I am left wondering whether "waxed to the carpet" is a euphemism. Except I think I don't really want to know. Either way, I'm just glad for you that there's a professional waxer.

8:15 PM  
Blogger noname said...

I've never had a wax job (thought of hot wax being ripped off is enough to make me want to punch someone really) so I use my razor. Dark hair, fast's a daily thing when I want to wear a suit. The only thing that bothers me is the occasional slip. Is it just me or do the little nicks and scratches seem to hurt more in the land of the pubes?

1:02 PM  
Anonymous mommacat said...

I am saving up for laser treatment. Really. I live in South Florida, where it is easy to believe that everyone does this - and they all have implants, wear stiletto's when they pick their kids up from school, get a nanny so they can work out and don't, apparently, eat. Ever. All that said - the one thing here i can easily jive with is the idea that for some fee - albeit more-than-nominal - i can be hair-free For Life. That includes the beard (facial, i mean) that i am apparently trying to cultivate. Late thirties aren't always pretty, and i will always have breasts that suckled three children, and i will never see less-than-150 pounds... but i might (just might) see no-more-hair-where-i-don't-want-it-there...

4:45 PM  
Blogger Pendullum said...

One of my gal pals went on a swim date with her four year old and a whole bunch of other parents she did not know so well...
As they were just getting out of the pool..
and sitting around with all the other parents her daughter points and says'Look how furry my mom is!'
Another Kodak moment...LOST!

2:38 PM  
Blogger Momma Piñata said...

LOL...I'm not brave enough to get that area waxed...and yes they are professionals but seriously...

We talk about our jobs and our children at home, can you imagine what their dinner table conversation is like?

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Kim said...

So how much is it, cause I want it ALL waxed down there.

8:39 PM  

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